Ugh

I'm frustrated. Maybe it's because I'm tired...but frustrated none the same. I left the hospital today around 4:45 to go get the girls from Pete's parents. Then we went home, had dinner, had a tea party (yes...we had a tea party - the girls LOVE them) then it was time for bed. Hailey didn't go down easily. Right away she pointed to our room and said 'sleep in mama's room!' No...you're not sleeping in mama's bed. This sent her into a fit and she ended up throwing up all over the place (something she does on command). Lights on - clean the mess, change the kid and start all over again.

I left as Pete was going in to 'sleep' on the floor. I picked up a pizza and headed over to the hospital. Peter, Joey & Kristin were here playing Scrabble. I went in to see my dad...well not right away because they were doing an assessment on him so they asked me to wait 10 minutes.

The nurse came out when she was done. I go in, get my gown and gloves on and head on in the room. We'll have to wear the gowns and gloves for the rest of his stay here. I asked the nurse if the doctors ever made it in from earlier. They were rounding right before I left and the plan was for them to come in and let us know about the dialysis tomorrow. But they ended up having an emergency in the OR so they didn't make it to see us. Well they didn't make it at all tonight which is fine - we'll just get the update tomorrow morning. The nurse said there's no change in his status right now. He's in critical condition (hence being in Critical Care) but he's been stable. I don't expect this to make sense to anyone since it doesn't even make sense to me.

So his Blood Pressure is holding in the 120's/50's, his Heart Rate is holding in the 70/80's & his Oxygen is hovering in the low 90's (on 50% oxygen right now). These are good numbers and much better than when he 1st arrived here. These are good things.

He was on a medication called Levo when he 1st came because he couldn't keep his BP up. Even with this medication is BP was about 80/30. I tell you this because Levo is a medication that is a last resort thing and they only use it in dire situations. Here's the problem - Levo breaks down the body and skin. So part of the reason his kidney's aren't working is because of the Levo. Tonight - I noticed some sores under his bottom lip. I asked about it and they're due to the tubes rubbing against his skin there. They have changed it so the tubes don't touch his skin but the sores are there and I'm sure they don't feel good. Once I saw this I asked about bed sores. Yup...they noticed one this morning on his rear end. They started treatment on it. He has a sore because when they try to move him he's not able to handle being moved and all of his vitals go out of whack. So when it comes to oxygen vs skin - oxygen wins and they leave him alone. They try to move him every 4 hours and they move the bed every 2 hours. But really he's the one who decides if he's moved or not.

Oxygen exchange. When you breath in - you breath oxygen. When you breath out - you release Carbon Dioxide. This is called a gas exchange. Don't think I made this up on my own - I don't know enough...I got this info from Google. The goal for my dad's CO2 is 30 - 35%. He's @ 66% tonight. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I'm just simply frustrated.

I'm not staying the night tonight. I need to go home and sleep in my own bed. So before I leave I'll walk my butt into my dad's room and say goodbye. Forever. I'll say a forever goodbye because I don't know if he will be here when I come back. I'll cry. I'll beat myself up all the way home with 50 million reasons why I should have stayed and 51 million reasons why I should go home. I'm not sitting on a pity pot (as my Aunt Sharon would say) - I'm just stating facts.

Joey. Peter. Andy. Amanda. Me. Mom. All of us. We're tired, frustrated, angry, sad, desperate...and yet HOPE trumps it all. Someone asked Joey today how we're doing. His answer: 'We have each other.'