April 27

Since the girls were born I've become someone that lives by routine, schedule and structure. I follow the same schedule every single day. We change it up a bit but for the core parts of our day - it's the same. Very very routine. So when things are off schedule and we're out of our normal routine - things just aren't quite right.

So when my father passed away I was prepared to face the stages of grief. In order. One at a time. 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance

What I wasn't prepared for was to face all of these things all at once, in random order, at different parts of the day, several times a day (insert denial here). It's worse when it's quiet and I have nothing to do but think. Luckily - there isn't much of that quiet down time in my life right now. At the same time - instead of having some quiet, down time...my mind is filled with these emotions that I'm not familiar with. I've read so many books, studied the process in so many classes, passed a million quizzes and exams. Yet nothing prepared me for this. Nothing warned me of the pain - it's physical as much as emotional/psychological (insert depression here).

And then I think 'if I'm going through this...what the hell are my brothers/sister going through?!?!' And my mother. None of them were prepared either. And the worst part is that I don't know how to fix them. I'm use to fixing things for people. I'm the one that smooths things over, makes everything ok and gets things running again. If I can't figure out how to do it for myself - how am I going to help them? (insert anger here).

Then I say if I can work through this - I'll be able to help them and it will make me feel better (insert bargaining here). But then I realize I can't fix everything and sometimes people have to work through things on their own in their own way (insert acceptance here).

The cycle is vicious. It goes around and around like a merry go round that isn't slowing down or coming to a stop anytime soon. But it has only been 17 days...so maybe time will heal. At least one can hope it does.