This was a loooong week. But it's over. And the weekend is here - finally! Today was Fun Friday with Uncle Joey. They spent the day playing and then came to visit me later in the afternoon at work. I brought them home from work (usually on Friday's I take LB's car and he has the van...so we just switched cars this afternoon). When we got home and realized that Pete hadn't had a chance to throw anything together for dinner - we decided to head on over to DQ for some eats and treats! Some chicken, fries, milk and an ice cream cones were on the menu. Then it was home to play for a bit and then bed.
My sister and niece came over for a little while. It's nice to see them since we don't see them much during the week. We all work so it's harder to get together - especially with the kids being on schedules.
Now it's time for sleep. Yes - I said sleep at 8:30 at night. That's because Hannah was in our bed all night due to some night terrors. And she kept us up all night (she's impossible to sleep with!). So I'm going to catch some zzzz's while I can.....
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Friday?
Ugh...I thought today was Friday - and it sure did suck when I realized it wasn't! Oh well. I'm on 2 nights in a row of no sleep...for no reason. I just toss and turn all freakin' night long. This morning I finally got my butt up out of bed at 5:15 and worked out. Why not? I'm up...might as well make good use of my time. The other benefit to not sleeping? I get to work on time! (Early the past 2 days!). I think I'll take Nyquil tonight.
The girls went to Pete's parents house today. They tried to play outside but it was too windy. I think Hailey would have blown away in the wind if she didn't have breakfast.
Now it's time for the Yankees game and a little R&R.
The girls went to Pete's parents house today. They tried to play outside but it was too windy. I think Hailey would have blown away in the wind if she didn't have breakfast.
Now it's time for the Yankees game and a little R&R.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
April 28 random bits of the day
Can't believe it's 4/28. Somehow the past few weeks have gone by so quickly - I don't know where the days went. And somehow gas is over $3 a gallon again.
Pete got a tattoo today.
Andrew, Peter, Amanda, Joey & I are getting a tattoo.
Girls had a good day. I guess I won't be able to tell them not to get a tattoo.
I downloaded Nickleback's new song 'This Afternoon' - it makes me think of our dad. He would have liked this song. I liked this song since it came out - just never got around to downloading it.
Peter came over tonight. He asked if I heard Nickelback's new song. That's what reminded me to download it. He likes it too.
Lucy and her girls came over tonight.
The girls all say their 1st and last names.
They also told me in the car this morning that I need to go to work and make money. Not daddy. (They were missing him when we left the house).
Bed time was a breeze. Bribery is a Godsend.
Pete got a tattoo today.
Andrew, Peter, Amanda, Joey & I are getting a tattoo.
Girls had a good day. I guess I won't be able to tell them not to get a tattoo.
I downloaded Nickleback's new song 'This Afternoon' - it makes me think of our dad. He would have liked this song. I liked this song since it came out - just never got around to downloading it.
Peter came over tonight. He asked if I heard Nickelback's new song. That's what reminded me to download it. He likes it too.
Lucy and her girls came over tonight.
The girls all say their 1st and last names.
They also told me in the car this morning that I need to go to work and make money. Not daddy. (They were missing him when we left the house).
Bed time was a breeze. Bribery is a Godsend.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
April 27
Since the girls were born I've become someone that lives by routine, schedule and structure. I follow the same schedule every single day. We change it up a bit but for the core parts of our day - it's the same. Very very routine. So when things are off schedule and we're out of our normal routine - things just aren't quite right.
So when my father passed away I was prepared to face the stages of grief. In order. One at a time. 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance
What I wasn't prepared for was to face all of these things all at once, in random order, at different parts of the day, several times a day (insert denial here). It's worse when it's quiet and I have nothing to do but think. Luckily - there isn't much of that quiet down time in my life right now. At the same time - instead of having some quiet, down time...my mind is filled with these emotions that I'm not familiar with. I've read so many books, studied the process in so many classes, passed a million quizzes and exams. Yet nothing prepared me for this. Nothing warned me of the pain - it's physical as much as emotional/psychological (insert depression here).
And then I think 'if I'm going through this...what the hell are my brothers/sister going through?!?!' And my mother. None of them were prepared either. And the worst part is that I don't know how to fix them. I'm use to fixing things for people. I'm the one that smooths things over, makes everything ok and gets things running again. If I can't figure out how to do it for myself - how am I going to help them? (insert anger here).
Then I say if I can work through this - I'll be able to help them and it will make me feel better (insert bargaining here). But then I realize I can't fix everything and sometimes people have to work through things on their own in their own way (insert acceptance here).
The cycle is vicious. It goes around and around like a merry go round that isn't slowing down or coming to a stop anytime soon. But it has only been 17 days...so maybe time will heal. At least one can hope it does.
So when my father passed away I was prepared to face the stages of grief. In order. One at a time. 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance
What I wasn't prepared for was to face all of these things all at once, in random order, at different parts of the day, several times a day (insert denial here). It's worse when it's quiet and I have nothing to do but think. Luckily - there isn't much of that quiet down time in my life right now. At the same time - instead of having some quiet, down time...my mind is filled with these emotions that I'm not familiar with. I've read so many books, studied the process in so many classes, passed a million quizzes and exams. Yet nothing prepared me for this. Nothing warned me of the pain - it's physical as much as emotional/psychological (insert depression here).
And then I think 'if I'm going through this...what the hell are my brothers/sister going through?!?!' And my mother. None of them were prepared either. And the worst part is that I don't know how to fix them. I'm use to fixing things for people. I'm the one that smooths things over, makes everything ok and gets things running again. If I can't figure out how to do it for myself - how am I going to help them? (insert anger here).
Then I say if I can work through this - I'll be able to help them and it will make me feel better (insert bargaining here). But then I realize I can't fix everything and sometimes people have to work through things on their own in their own way (insert acceptance here).
The cycle is vicious. It goes around and around like a merry go round that isn't slowing down or coming to a stop anytime soon. But it has only been 17 days...so maybe time will heal. At least one can hope it does.
Monday, April 26, 2010
4/26/10
Monday. What else is there to say?
The girls had a fun playdate with Owen today (and Becca & Uncle Pete).
The girls had a fun playdate with Owen today (and Becca & Uncle Pete).
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Alex's 1st Communion
Today Alex made her 1st communion. Pete & I planned on bringing the girls to church and then to the reception after...which means they would have skipped naps today. But we soon realized skipping naps wasn't an option because by 9:00 they were already showing signs of being tired. So the plan changed. I would go to the church while the girls slept and then Pete would get the girls ready and meet me at the reception.
We put the girls down for a nap at 10 but by 10:45 Emily still wasn't sleeping. She came to the door and said 'Emmie awake!' Haha. So change of plans again. I got her dressed and took her to church with me while Hannah & Hailey enjoyed a 2 hour nap. We had to stop at CVS for some apple juice (we ran out) and a card. We also bought some Teddy Grahams for a snack in church since we were going to be there during lunch time.
Emily sat from 11:30 - 1:00 in church without a problem. Not a single 'outside' voice. Not a single tear. No whining. No bugging mommy. She sat when she needed to sit, stood when it time to kneel and enjoyed her teddy grahams after asking for them very politely. 'Snack please' (in her inside voice). I was amazed. 1.5 hours is an eternity for Emily. And let's not forget...this was all without a nap! I was very proud of her. ;-)
Pete actually met us at the church since we were there so long and then we all took the van to the reception after. The food was great, the girls were excellent and Emily even caught a quick snooze on Bryon's lap for a while. She was sleeeeeepy (but still good).
The ride home was a nightmare though. Hailey took her shoes off and was chewing on them (don't ask why because I don't know!). She ALWAYS takes her shoes off in the car (I do too when I can). I don't mind it at all that her shoes are off. But chewing on them - no. She knows better (and ew!). So when I asked her to put them on the floor and stop chewing on them she ignored me. I said it 3 times and then told her I was going to take them away. She simply stared at me while chomping away. So I climbed in the back (Pete was driving obviously) and took her shoes away. This sent her into a rage. She cried and screamed the WHOLE WAY HOME. 25 minutes of it. Needless to say my patience level for her dwindled quite rapidly and by the time we got home she found herself with no shoes and in her room for a time out. (Something new we started - blog more on that another time). Eventually she said 'sorry' but not for a while...maybe 20 minutes. Grrrrrr she can drive me nuts!
Then it was time for dinner, baths and bed. They went right to sleep (another post for another day...Hailey has been very good about going to bed lately thanks to some new 'tricks').
Being in church today was really tough for me. I'm not so sure I would have been able to compose myself if Emily weren't there. I know that if I cry in front of her she gets really upset but it wasn't easy. I just kept thinking about my dad and wondering..........
We put the girls down for a nap at 10 but by 10:45 Emily still wasn't sleeping. She came to the door and said 'Emmie awake!' Haha. So change of plans again. I got her dressed and took her to church with me while Hannah & Hailey enjoyed a 2 hour nap. We had to stop at CVS for some apple juice (we ran out) and a card. We also bought some Teddy Grahams for a snack in church since we were going to be there during lunch time.
Emily sat from 11:30 - 1:00 in church without a problem. Not a single 'outside' voice. Not a single tear. No whining. No bugging mommy. She sat when she needed to sit, stood when it time to kneel and enjoyed her teddy grahams after asking for them very politely. 'Snack please' (in her inside voice). I was amazed. 1.5 hours is an eternity for Emily. And let's not forget...this was all without a nap! I was very proud of her. ;-)
Pete actually met us at the church since we were there so long and then we all took the van to the reception after. The food was great, the girls were excellent and Emily even caught a quick snooze on Bryon's lap for a while. She was sleeeeeepy (but still good).
The ride home was a nightmare though. Hailey took her shoes off and was chewing on them (don't ask why because I don't know!). She ALWAYS takes her shoes off in the car (I do too when I can). I don't mind it at all that her shoes are off. But chewing on them - no. She knows better (and ew!). So when I asked her to put them on the floor and stop chewing on them she ignored me. I said it 3 times and then told her I was going to take them away. She simply stared at me while chomping away. So I climbed in the back (Pete was driving obviously) and took her shoes away. This sent her into a rage. She cried and screamed the WHOLE WAY HOME. 25 minutes of it. Needless to say my patience level for her dwindled quite rapidly and by the time we got home she found herself with no shoes and in her room for a time out. (Something new we started - blog more on that another time). Eventually she said 'sorry' but not for a while...maybe 20 minutes. Grrrrrr she can drive me nuts!
Then it was time for dinner, baths and bed. They went right to sleep (another post for another day...Hailey has been very good about going to bed lately thanks to some new 'tricks').
Being in church today was really tough for me. I'm not so sure I would have been able to compose myself if Emily weren't there. I know that if I cry in front of her she gets really upset but it wasn't easy. I just kept thinking about my dad and wondering..........
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Fun on the weekend
The girls had a good day today. After their naps we went to Lyman Orchard's to hang out. Bought some pumpkin butter, apples, apple donuts, cider and then fed the ducks/birds and a turtle. When we got back home we had a cookout. Lots of fun today. And lots of family time. Amanda and Christina came over and so did Uncle Joey, Kristin and Andrew. ;-)
Friday, April 23, 2010
Fun Friday
Little Brother & Kristin took the girls to 6 Flags today. They had a lot of fun. When I asked about their day though - the only thing they kept saying was they say a 'Quack Quack' and they 'cried'. They kept saying the quack quack was BIG. Lol...the BIG Duck apparently scared them. Luckily they took pictures to prove that they did have a good time though.
Pete and I worked (someone has to fund these little escapades the girls go on!).
Pete and I worked (someone has to fund these little escapades the girls go on!).
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Another day
One more day is gone and it was one more day that for some reason wasn't easier than yesterday. Maybe tomorrow........
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Ugh
Another day. I can't say it was easier. I can't say it was harder. I often think about parents who have a lost a child - especially a young child. I couldn't imagine before...and now I really can't imagine how these parents even get out of bed in the morning. How do they keep moving forward? I'm too tired to think/post tonight. My heart goes out to those that have lost someone because it sucks.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I'm Sorry
"I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. How are you?" How can we answer this? We get that you are trying to be nice and you probably don't know what to say. But we can't tell you we're 'fine' because we're not. I would prefer to ignore the question all together (hence the lack of return phone calls/texts/emails). But when face to face with someone - it's hard to ignore. So how are we really? We're holding our own...by holding each other. We're calling each other a lot. We're getting together more often. This morning I had to text Pete from the parking lot at work...I didn't want to come inside. I didn't want to face the questions, sad looks & sympathy hugs. I didn't want to go back to 'normal' when life isn't normal. But I did. And so did Peter. And so did Joey. And so did Andy. And so did Amanda. Amanda started a new job yesterday. Add that to the fact that she's in the middle of a divorce, had to move herself and Christina home after being gone for 3 years, becoming a single mom and then 2 days after she comes home - Dad ends up in the hospital only to pass away 8 days later.
The point is that we're moving forward. Not forgetting. Just moving. And what comes of it who knows. We've been changed forever. And forever is a long time.
The point is that we're moving forward. Not forgetting. Just moving. And what comes of it who knows. We've been changed forever. And forever is a long time.
Monday, April 19, 2010
LB
Little Brother now has the 'bug'. As did/does everyone else...except me. I didn't get it. Yet. You know when I'll get it? As soon as I walk into work for the 1st time in 2 weeks. That's when. And then I'll have to turn right back around and pray I can drive home without stopping the car to throw up on the side of the road. This 'bug' is taking it's toll on everyone it hits. LB isn't one to complain but he says he's weak and tired. I guess after throwing up and having diarrhea for 12 hours straight...it would make me tired too. Wait...it WILL make me tired. I'm smart enough to know that I didn't dodge this bullet. I'm also smart enough to wait until everyone else has had it so I get the maximum amount of sympathy! LOL
Yesterday LB was leaving at the same time as we were. He said 'I'm not ready to go back to normal.' I tell him 'I'm not either - but we're never going to be normal again. This is our new normal. This is our new life. We've changed.' And it sucks. None of us wanted this change. None of was ready for this change. But here it is. Change isn't always for the better. Sometimes change is damaging. This change we've been dealt - is damaging to the heart and soul.
Yesterday LB was leaving at the same time as we were. He said 'I'm not ready to go back to normal.' I tell him 'I'm not either - but we're never going to be normal again. This is our new normal. This is our new life. We've changed.' And it sucks. None of us wanted this change. None of was ready for this change. But here it is. Change isn't always for the better. Sometimes change is damaging. This change we've been dealt - is damaging to the heart and soul.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Sort of Easter
Here are some late Easter pics of the girls when they went on their egg hunt. We had planned to postpone Easter since my dad was in the hospital - but then everything else happened so we didn't really have Easter here. I actually just found the stuff I was going to put in their baskets. I'll give it to them periodically. New sunglasses, new t-shirts with Mickey Mouse, bubbles, toy cars with Minnie Mouse on them (gave those to them already).
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Still numb
It still sucks to wake up in the morning just to realize this pain we feel is real. Then we find a way to numb the pain so we can do it all over again. We find ourselves saying "Dad would have...." quite frequently.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Aftermath
This sucks. You would think the pain would get better. You would think the tears would have dried up. You would think today would bring some peace. But it didn't.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
What's left to say?
We had to bury our father today. What else is there to say? I'm not happy that a family reunion happened this way. I didn't want to see my family if this was how it had to happen. It hurts so bad to see the pain and suffering my siblings are going through. It hurts to even look at my mom. It simply hurts to breathe.
Aunt Peggy & Amanda are sick now.......
Aunt Peggy & Amanda are sick now.......
More Sickness!
Last night Pete and Hannah were sick. Luckily the ER sent Pete home with an Rx for Zofran (anti nausea medication) for the kids. We gave it to Hannah AND to Pete but it only worked for Hannah. Pete was up all night...
Today is the funeral. We're not ready for this at all but we'll go. We'll be there in body but our hearts are just not in this. We're not ready to say a final goodbye. It's not fair. It's not right. It's not suppose to be this way! He's 57. Way too young to have to say goodbye. It's going to hit us at some point...and maybe not all of us at the same time. Hopefully not all of us at the same time so we can pull each other through it. It won't be good. It won't be pretty. It won't be fun.
Today is the funeral. We're not ready for this at all but we'll go. We'll be there in body but our hearts are just not in this. We're not ready to say a final goodbye. It's not fair. It's not right. It's not suppose to be this way! He's 57. Way too young to have to say goodbye. It's going to hit us at some point...and maybe not all of us at the same time. Hopefully not all of us at the same time so we can pull each other through it. It won't be good. It won't be pretty. It won't be fun.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
We Managed
We got through today. Not without tears. Not without heartache. But also not without each other. It was hard to see so many people that we haven't seen in so long. This shouldn't be the time for a reunion. But it was. It was a time when we met people for the 1st time. It was a time when we said goodbye. I was touched by way too many people! (please insert some laughter here...this blog needs a little lightening up!). Hand sanitizer was much needed.
We are going to do it all over again tomorrow. :(
We are going to do it all over again tomorrow. :(
Month of April
Pete and I were married in the month of April. Andy's birthday is in the month of April. Easter is in the month of April. April Fool's Day is one of my favorite days of the year. Opening Day for baseball...again - in the month of April.
But now I have to add that our father passed away in the month of April. We had his wake in the month of April. We had his funeral in the month of April.
I keep saying that I need this year to be over because 2010 has just not been a good year so far. But the reality is that I just can't face this. Everyone says to live in the moment, be true to your feelings - but I'm not ready for that. I'd rather just move on and start new. Start happy. I want to let go of the last images that keep replaying in my head and I want to remember the good times.
Joey just got up. He said to me 'I don't want to get up. If I get up that means the day has to start.' That sums it all up. That's how we all feel right now. We want to be anywhere but in the present. Anywhere but the here and now. The here and now hurts so bad. It's a pain we've never felt and a pain we don't want to live through.
But now I have to add that our father passed away in the month of April. We had his wake in the month of April. We had his funeral in the month of April.
I keep saying that I need this year to be over because 2010 has just not been a good year so far. But the reality is that I just can't face this. Everyone says to live in the moment, be true to your feelings - but I'm not ready for that. I'd rather just move on and start new. Start happy. I want to let go of the last images that keep replaying in my head and I want to remember the good times.
Joey just got up. He said to me 'I don't want to get up. If I get up that means the day has to start.' That sums it all up. That's how we all feel right now. We want to be anywhere but in the present. Anywhere but the here and now. The here and now hurts so bad. It's a pain we've never felt and a pain we don't want to live through.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Tomorrow
It's going to happen. But none of us want it to happen. We don't want to face what's to come.
Calling Hours/Funeral
SANFORD, Peter S. Peter S. Sanford, 57, of New Britain, CT, died Saturday, (April 10, 2010) at the Hospital of Central CT at New Britain General . Peter was born in Hartford, CT, and was the son of the late Raymond and Vivian (St. Pierre) Sanford. He graduated from A. I. Prince Technical School, Hartford, CT, and was the owner and operator of Pete's Automotive, New Britain, CT, for 21 years. Peter was a devoted husband, father and grandfather, who loved spending quality time with his family. Peter is survived by his beloved wife, Audrey J. (Sheak) Sanford; his three sons, Andrew, Peter and Joseph Sanford, all of New Britain, CT, his two daughters, Michelle (Sanford) Lucco of Cromwell, CT, and Amanda Martinez-Sanford of New Britain, CT; his brother, Raymond Sanford and his wife, Linda, of New Britain, CT; his four beloved grandchildren, Christina, Emily, Hannah and Hailey; and several nieces and nephews. Peter was predeceased by his sister, Blanche Griffin and his brother, Christopher Sanford. Funeral rites for Peter will be held Thursday, April 15, 2010, at 11:30 a.m., from the Paul A. Shaker/Farmingdale Funeral Home, 764 Farmington Ave., New Britain, CT. Committal service and final resting place will be in St. Mary Cemetery, 1309 Stanley St., New Britain, CT. Relatives and friends may call at the Paul A. Shaker/Farmingdale Funeral Home, Wednesday, from 4-7 p.m. Directions to funeral home: I-84 East or West - Exit 37 (Fienemann Road) Right off exit - one mile down on right. To share a memory of Peter or to extend condolences to the Sanford Family, please visit our website at www.shakerfuneralhome.com Dad, we will cherish the memories and miss you dearly
How much more?
12:30 this morning Hailey woke up out of a sound sleep throwing up. She threw up 7 times in 1.5 hours...finally we decided she needed to go the ER so they could give her something to help with the vomiting. Pete brought her and had to stop 2 times on the way there. Then she threw up another 5 times at the ER. They gave her a pill (that dissolves on the tongue) and as soon as they gave it to her...she threw up again.
Not 1/2 hour after they left - Emily woke up throwing up. Are you kidding me?!?! I brought both Hannah & Emily into our bed and proceeded to text Pete and tell him what was going on. Then Emily threw up another 5 times in the next 2 hours. Hannah of course woke up every time to inform me that "Emmie sick". (And she said it like I truly didn't know). I told Pete to make sure he gets some of the medicine they gave Hailey so I could give it to Emily when he got home.
They came home @ 6:30. Wow - a long night. We've been up since 12:30. Pete HAS to go to work today and I HAVE to get stuff done for the funeral. Lord help us!
I am at the end of my 'God only gives you what you can handle' limit. Tapped out. Done. No more to give. So if you think of calling me today - I won't answer my phone. Because I won't have anything nice to say!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Not 1/2 hour after they left - Emily woke up throwing up. Are you kidding me?!?! I brought both Hannah & Emily into our bed and proceeded to text Pete and tell him what was going on. Then Emily threw up another 5 times in the next 2 hours. Hannah of course woke up every time to inform me that "Emmie sick". (And she said it like I truly didn't know). I told Pete to make sure he gets some of the medicine they gave Hailey so I could give it to Emily when he got home.
They came home @ 6:30. Wow - a long night. We've been up since 12:30. Pete HAS to go to work today and I HAVE to get stuff done for the funeral. Lord help us!
I am at the end of my 'God only gives you what you can handle' limit. Tapped out. Done. No more to give. So if you think of calling me today - I won't answer my phone. Because I won't have anything nice to say!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Monday, April 12, 2010
Wow
Who knew so much planning needed to go into a funeral. I get why planning needs to be done though - it keeps you so busy that you don't have time to think about anything! I dropped the girls off @ 9:00 this morning and headed to pick up mom. We went to the bank then off to meet Peter and Joey at the funeral home. From there we headed to the cemetery to pick a plot (or two). After that we split up. Peter and Joey took mom home and then headed to buy dad a suit. I headed off to the florist to order the flowers. After the flowers I went to work so I could take care of my time off. Then off to the caterer. After the caterer - Peter called to have me meet them at Men's Warehouse to look at the suits they picked out. Then we headed to the mall where we cancelled dad's cell phone, picked out sunglasses and bought mom a new phone (just added her to one of our plans).
After all that was said and done - it was 4:30 and I headed off to pick up the girls. We came home and had a play date with Owen.
Yesterday - we bought mom a puppy. A pure breed cocker spaniel. He's adorable! (Finally she has a CUTE dog!). Some would think that a puppy at a time like this would be absurd. But if you knew my mother - it's the perfect thing for her. This puppy is going to save her. This puppy is going to save us. Oh - his name is Striker (I might be spelling it wrong but hey...it's not my dog).
Our phones have been RINGING OFF THE HOOK! We aren't ignoring people we swear. It's just that there are times when we absolutely can not talk. It's hard to explain. We don't have words and we don't have enough composure right now. Talking via electronic communication is much easier because you won't hear our voices crack and you won't hear us cry. Which we do. At random parts of the day. In random places. I'm not sure it has hit us completely yet - I think it's all too new and we're still kind of numb to the idea.
We've had so many people doing so many wonderful things. We thank you all for this. We need as much support as we can get right now. We were talking today about how many people have shown their love for us and for our family. It's amazing. It doesn't take away the pain but love is strong and when we feel more love - we feel less pain. So bring on the love!!!!!!!
After all that was said and done - it was 4:30 and I headed off to pick up the girls. We came home and had a play date with Owen.
Yesterday - we bought mom a puppy. A pure breed cocker spaniel. He's adorable! (Finally she has a CUTE dog!). Some would think that a puppy at a time like this would be absurd. But if you knew my mother - it's the perfect thing for her. This puppy is going to save her. This puppy is going to save us. Oh - his name is Striker (I might be spelling it wrong but hey...it's not my dog).
Our phones have been RINGING OFF THE HOOK! We aren't ignoring people we swear. It's just that there are times when we absolutely can not talk. It's hard to explain. We don't have words and we don't have enough composure right now. Talking via electronic communication is much easier because you won't hear our voices crack and you won't hear us cry. Which we do. At random parts of the day. In random places. I'm not sure it has hit us completely yet - I think it's all too new and we're still kind of numb to the idea.
We've had so many people doing so many wonderful things. We thank you all for this. We need as much support as we can get right now. We were talking today about how many people have shown their love for us and for our family. It's amazing. It doesn't take away the pain but love is strong and when we feel more love - we feel less pain. So bring on the love!!!!!!!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Arrangments
We went out last night. We had fun. We laughed. We cried. We shared our pain and sorrow with people we know and don't know. This past week was rough and now we have to find a way to pick up the pieces and move forward. With each other. For each other.
Funeral arrangements have to be made. I woke up and went down to talk to Little Brother. So many plans have to be made in so little time. I don't know where to begin. I've never had to plan a funeral before. Joey said 'I'm only 23! I don't know how to book a funeral!' LOL I laughed so hard.......
Pick out a casket, vault (you need a vault for the casket...who knew?), flowers, prayers, newspapers, a place to gather, caterer, food, cemetery, plot, tombstone...there's more but I can't think of it. I can't imagine my mom having to do all of this. I'm glad I have brothers and a sister so we can do it for her.
The wake will be Wed night from 4 - 7 and the funeral will be Thursday. Not sure of a time...more details to follow.
I've been blogging about this so we could keep family/friends updated on his progress. Our phones didn't work well in the ICU so this blog was our form of communication. We have a lot more readers that have joined us in our journey. We're thankful for that. It has been a journey we never wanted to embark upon but this is what we've been handed. We'll continue to blog about our progress. Our progress of healing - or learning how to heal. It will be something that will never be complete. How can you complete a healing process?
Funeral arrangements have to be made. I woke up and went down to talk to Little Brother. So many plans have to be made in so little time. I don't know where to begin. I've never had to plan a funeral before. Joey said 'I'm only 23! I don't know how to book a funeral!' LOL I laughed so hard.......
Pick out a casket, vault (you need a vault for the casket...who knew?), flowers, prayers, newspapers, a place to gather, caterer, food, cemetery, plot, tombstone...there's more but I can't think of it. I can't imagine my mom having to do all of this. I'm glad I have brothers and a sister so we can do it for her.
The wake will be Wed night from 4 - 7 and the funeral will be Thursday. Not sure of a time...more details to follow.
I've been blogging about this so we could keep family/friends updated on his progress. Our phones didn't work well in the ICU so this blog was our form of communication. We have a lot more readers that have joined us in our journey. We're thankful for that. It has been a journey we never wanted to embark upon but this is what we've been handed. We'll continue to blog about our progress. Our progress of healing - or learning how to heal. It will be something that will never be complete. How can you complete a healing process?
Saturday, April 10, 2010
The time has come
We've decided the time has come to put dad on a morphine drip and let him have a peaceful passing. We're here as a family. We're strong. We're full of sorrow but overflowing with love. It hurts. But we know that he won't suffer after this. His pain will be forever gone and he will the vibrant loving father that we know and love.
More problems
Even on no sleep last night - we made plans to have breakfast at the diner this morning. Andy, Mom, Amanda, Christina, Pete, Me & the girls. After breakfast Pete and I headed to the hospital with the girls to come see Peter, Joey & Kristin. Uncle Ray and Aunt Linda were here too.
We tried to get in to see my dad but they said they were doing a procedure and we needed to wait 1/2 hour. None of us were told they were doing anything so my aunt asked that someone come out and talk to us.
His lung collapsed again. They had to do surgery to fix/replace the chest tube that he had in. His lung/lungs are getting worse and they had a surgeon come evaluate him to see if there's anything they can do. Short of it is - no. Nothing can be done. The nurse that came out to talk to us kept stressing how very critically ill dad is.
Peter & Joey went in to see him. Peter came right back out. It's so hard to see our father like this. Some days we can handle it...or at least keep ourselves composed on the outside. But other days we there's nothing we can do but cry.
There's no doubt that he's sick. There's no doubt that they have tried everything in their power to fix him. There's also no doubt that we still have hope. There's no doubt that we love him and there's no doubt that we will be here for every step of this process.
We tried to get in to see my dad but they said they were doing a procedure and we needed to wait 1/2 hour. None of us were told they were doing anything so my aunt asked that someone come out and talk to us.
His lung collapsed again. They had to do surgery to fix/replace the chest tube that he had in. His lung/lungs are getting worse and they had a surgeon come evaluate him to see if there's anything they can do. Short of it is - no. Nothing can be done. The nurse that came out to talk to us kept stressing how very critically ill dad is.
Peter & Joey went in to see him. Peter came right back out. It's so hard to see our father like this. Some days we can handle it...or at least keep ourselves composed on the outside. But other days we there's nothing we can do but cry.
There's no doubt that he's sick. There's no doubt that they have tried everything in their power to fix him. There's also no doubt that we still have hope. There's no doubt that we love him and there's no doubt that we will be here for every step of this process.
Changes
Tonight was a rough night. Dad's chest tube had some blood in it. His breathing was very labored. His blood pressure and heart rate were too high. He just looked like he was uncomfortable and in pain. The nurse came in and agreed that something needed to be done so she called the resident. An xray of his chest was ordered and so was a blood gas. Both came back pretty quickly and the xray showed he had a pocket of air that collapsed his left lung. They think the chest tube he had in was dislodged somehow...maybe when they turned him or moved him. Who knows how - but the important thing is what to do about it now. His blood gas was also not good.
The plan: Surgery to remove existing chest tube and put in a new chest tube that will remove the air pocket and hopefully in time his lung will expand again. They also made some changed to his meds to lower his BP and HR. They made some changed to his oxygen levels by going from 60% up to 80%. And they sedated him again.
The surgery took about an hour and his BP dropped - enough to put him on more meds to higher it (read the 1st paragraph...his BP was too high and he was on meds to lower it). His blood gas came back and now his CO2 is too high so they have to readjust his oxygen level. They went from 80% down to 60% and moved his breathing rate to 26 times per minute.
That is just the medical aspect of it. I broke down again. I can't seem to keep it together today (yesterday? it's 1:45). Here's my problem...his eyes are open, he's wincing in pain, he's struggling to breath, he has body sores all over and he's NOT sedated OR even on any pain meds. So what if he's all there in his head and he's screaming at us "Hey! I'm here and I'm hurting! Do something!" I mean isn't that a real fear of everyone? To be perfectly mentally capable of thinking, knowing, feeling, understanding...but be incapable of communicating? The thought that he was suffering and in a lot pain and we weren't doing anything about it just killed me. It tore out every piece of my heart and drained every ounce of my energy tonight.
But that was then. A few hours have passed and this is now. He's sedated. His BP is ok. His HR is ok. They removed the old chest tube and put in a new one. They gave him pain medication and sedation. He looks much better because he's sedated but at least I know he's not in pain. At least I know he's not laying there screaming for help but unable to say a word. And if he is all there mentally - at least he knows that we are here for him and doing everything in our power to make him better.
I'm going home now because there is another family that has a loved one in the ICU. She's here for the long haul as well and there is a family member that is staying here 24/7 which means we need to be courteous enough to give up one of our couches. There are only 4 in the waiting room. So Brother, Little Brother & Kristin will stay. They will keep me posted or I will kill them (or I'll just make them put Hailey to bed for a week...that's punishment enough).
The plan: Surgery to remove existing chest tube and put in a new chest tube that will remove the air pocket and hopefully in time his lung will expand again. They also made some changed to his meds to lower his BP and HR. They made some changed to his oxygen levels by going from 60% up to 80%. And they sedated him again.
The surgery took about an hour and his BP dropped - enough to put him on more meds to higher it (read the 1st paragraph...his BP was too high and he was on meds to lower it). His blood gas came back and now his CO2 is too high so they have to readjust his oxygen level. They went from 80% down to 60% and moved his breathing rate to 26 times per minute.
That is just the medical aspect of it. I broke down again. I can't seem to keep it together today (yesterday? it's 1:45). Here's my problem...his eyes are open, he's wincing in pain, he's struggling to breath, he has body sores all over and he's NOT sedated OR even on any pain meds. So what if he's all there in his head and he's screaming at us "Hey! I'm here and I'm hurting! Do something!" I mean isn't that a real fear of everyone? To be perfectly mentally capable of thinking, knowing, feeling, understanding...but be incapable of communicating? The thought that he was suffering and in a lot pain and we weren't doing anything about it just killed me. It tore out every piece of my heart and drained every ounce of my energy tonight.
But that was then. A few hours have passed and this is now. He's sedated. His BP is ok. His HR is ok. They removed the old chest tube and put in a new one. They gave him pain medication and sedation. He looks much better because he's sedated but at least I know he's not in pain. At least I know he's not laying there screaming for help but unable to say a word. And if he is all there mentally - at least he knows that we are here for him and doing everything in our power to make him better.
I'm going home now because there is another family that has a loved one in the ICU. She's here for the long haul as well and there is a family member that is staying here 24/7 which means we need to be courteous enough to give up one of our couches. There are only 4 in the waiting room. So Brother, Little Brother & Kristin will stay. They will keep me posted or I will kill them (or I'll just make them put Hailey to bed for a week...that's punishment enough).
Friday, April 9, 2010
Bed Sores
He has them all over his back and legs from what I was told. And they're big. I haven't seen them for myself...nor do I want to. It's enough to see him with his eyes open, gagging on a breathing tube, wincing from pain or discomfort and not knowing whether or not he's able to feel all these things that should be causing him a great deal of pain. He has sores on his lips and mouth from the tube in his mouth as well.
I'm home with the girls and Pete right now. Gonna do our family thing before heading back to the hospital. I'll post more tonight. There was a lot of people that came to the hospital today and I have to say - it's actually been good. Good to have people around, good to have someone else to share the pain, good to have the company.......great to feel the love.
I'm home with the girls and Pete right now. Gonna do our family thing before heading back to the hospital. I'll post more tonight. There was a lot of people that came to the hospital today and I have to say - it's actually been good. Good to have people around, good to have someone else to share the pain, good to have the company.......great to feel the love.
New Day
Today they took my dad off all of his sedation. The plan is for the doctors to see what kind of response/reaction they get from him while off the medication. It's hard to see him right now. He's gagging on his breathing tube with every breath he takes. He wasn't like this before. Plus his eyes are open...but it's like he can't see anything.
This is breaking us all down..piece by piece. How are we suppose to keep it together? Pete simply asked me this morning how last night went...and I broke down. I texted a friend that I haven't been talking to this week - it's someone I talk to everyday, several times a day. Just texting her made me break down. Writing this blog is making me break down.
I'm not sad for myself right now. I'm not sad that my dad is dying...well I am. But that's not what's taking it's toll. What is killing me is seeing my brothers have their hearts torn out slowly. Sure - girls are suppose to cry. But men...they're strong and don't show emotions. And to see my brothers cry uncontrollably is heart wrenching.
On top of that...there is someone that was here earlier -Rick. He was someone that worked for my dad for a very long time at the shop. My brother Pete and him were talking about some of things they use to do at the shop...bringing back some old (but good) memories. Ugh...this kills me. I don't want to have to listen to reminiscing stories about my 57 y/o father. It doesn't make sense. And my brother's shouldn't be talking about the good 'ol times yet. It's not fair.
This is breaking us all down..piece by piece. How are we suppose to keep it together? Pete simply asked me this morning how last night went...and I broke down. I texted a friend that I haven't been talking to this week - it's someone I talk to everyday, several times a day. Just texting her made me break down. Writing this blog is making me break down.
I'm not sad for myself right now. I'm not sad that my dad is dying...well I am. But that's not what's taking it's toll. What is killing me is seeing my brothers have their hearts torn out slowly. Sure - girls are suppose to cry. But men...they're strong and don't show emotions. And to see my brothers cry uncontrollably is heart wrenching.
On top of that...there is someone that was here earlier -Rick. He was someone that worked for my dad for a very long time at the shop. My brother Pete and him were talking about some of things they use to do at the shop...bringing back some old (but good) memories. Ugh...this kills me. I don't want to have to listen to reminiscing stories about my 57 y/o father. It doesn't make sense. And my brother's shouldn't be talking about the good 'ol times yet. It's not fair.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Family Feud
Today sucked in terms of getting along. My mother and I wrote each other our of each other's lives...forever. I'm sure that'll change tomorrow. I fought with my sister. I'm just done. I'm emotionally drained. I'm pissed off, sad, hurt, confused...you name it. And I know I'm not the only one that feels that way. None of us know how to make sense of our emotions right now.
My dad is holding his own for now. We had a family meeting tonight to air some our emotions and get out some things. But my mom chose not to be here for it. And my sister couldn't be here either. We talked anyway. There was a lot of us here...Me, Peter, Joey, Andy, Kristin, Rebecca, Uncle Ray, Aunt Linda, Aunt Peggy & Aunt Sharon.
It was a rough day. I'm ready for today to be over. I don't know how to even blog about it other than mere facts and I'm not about to put in black and white the things that were said today.
How are we suppose to make a decision about whether or not my dad should live or die? HOW?!?! How are we suppose to live with ourselves? How will we live with each other knowing what we had done?
My dad is holding his own for now. We had a family meeting tonight to air some our emotions and get out some things. But my mom chose not to be here for it. And my sister couldn't be here either. We talked anyway. There was a lot of us here...Me, Peter, Joey, Andy, Kristin, Rebecca, Uncle Ray, Aunt Linda, Aunt Peggy & Aunt Sharon.
It was a rough day. I'm ready for today to be over. I don't know how to even blog about it other than mere facts and I'm not about to put in black and white the things that were said today.
How are we suppose to make a decision about whether or not my dad should live or die? HOW?!?! How are we suppose to live with ourselves? How will we live with each other knowing what we had done?
Oh Boy
This is exactly why we camp out at the ICU waiting room. Because things happen and someone needs to be here when they do.
I brought the girls in to the hospital today to have breakfast with the family. We got here and enjoyed a nice breakfast before I took them to Pete's parents house. This isn't the place for them to be...but sometimes I think I get over protective about them not being around germs. They miss Uncle Joey and since he's not leaving the hospital...we had to improvise. It was nice because my Mom, Amanda, Christina, Peter, Kristin and Joey were all here. We went to the cafe and brought breakfast back down to the waiting room. We hung out for about and hour and then headed out.
After I dropped the girls off I headed to work so I could pick up the paperwork I need filled out for this hiatus I'm currently taking. I wanted to fill in the people I work with as well. They aren't just coworkers...they're friends and they care too.
While I was there (and NOT here) the doctor went in to talk with Joey and Amanda (they were the one's here at the time). He basically said we need to talk about what dad would want. What kind of quality of life he would be willing to have. He said that dad is going to need a trachea and ventilator for the rest of his life. Also dialysis.
I can't even finish this post right now.
I brought the girls in to the hospital today to have breakfast with the family. We got here and enjoyed a nice breakfast before I took them to Pete's parents house. This isn't the place for them to be...but sometimes I think I get over protective about them not being around germs. They miss Uncle Joey and since he's not leaving the hospital...we had to improvise. It was nice because my Mom, Amanda, Christina, Peter, Kristin and Joey were all here. We went to the cafe and brought breakfast back down to the waiting room. We hung out for about and hour and then headed out.
After I dropped the girls off I headed to work so I could pick up the paperwork I need filled out for this hiatus I'm currently taking. I wanted to fill in the people I work with as well. They aren't just coworkers...they're friends and they care too.
While I was there (and NOT here) the doctor went in to talk with Joey and Amanda (they were the one's here at the time). He basically said we need to talk about what dad would want. What kind of quality of life he would be willing to have. He said that dad is going to need a trachea and ventilator for the rest of his life. Also dialysis.
I can't even finish this post right now.
Dialysis
I came home @ midnight last night to sleep at home. But I talked to my mom this morning and they are starting dialysis. They are doing it right in his room and we can be in there once they set it up and get it going.
Hoping for a better day today.
Hoping for a better day today.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Hard Hit
So my dad had his CT scan today. We waited in the waiting room while he had it done. We called a couple of times but 1st it was delayed and then it was 'we just got back so give us a few minutes'. Finally the nurse came out and said that my dad was back but they were going to need a little more time because they decided to put in the catheter for dialysis. That way when he starts treatment tomorrow he's ready to go. We of course asked about the CT scan results and he said they weren't back yet but he thought they looked ok (but he gave us the 'unofficial' disclaimer).
Not 5 minutes later the doctor himself came out and said 'I'd like all of you to come in and see the results for yourself. It's not good.' My heart sunk. It was me, Little Brother, Uncle Ray, Aunt Linda, Pete and Kristin. Kristin stayed out in the waiting room. The rest of us followed the doctor in...in silence.
He showed us the pictures and his left lung is full of infection. They have been suctioning him and out of the tube comes this red/brown stuff. The doctor said it's blood, puss and dead pieces of his lung. At best he said that he'll lose 2/3 of his lung. He already has lung disease and is already on oxygen 24/7. We asked a few questions - got few answers.
There is some fluid around his lung. They did a procedure to go in and attempt to drain the fluid. There wasn't much to drain but they left a small tube inserted so that it'll continue to drain what it can.
After a few hours he had to be restarted on the Levo because his BP dropped. They also had to increase his oxygen to 70% (up from 50%).
It was a rough day.
Not 5 minutes later the doctor himself came out and said 'I'd like all of you to come in and see the results for yourself. It's not good.' My heart sunk. It was me, Little Brother, Uncle Ray, Aunt Linda, Pete and Kristin. Kristin stayed out in the waiting room. The rest of us followed the doctor in...in silence.
He showed us the pictures and his left lung is full of infection. They have been suctioning him and out of the tube comes this red/brown stuff. The doctor said it's blood, puss and dead pieces of his lung. At best he said that he'll lose 2/3 of his lung. He already has lung disease and is already on oxygen 24/7. We asked a few questions - got few answers.
There is some fluid around his lung. They did a procedure to go in and attempt to drain the fluid. There wasn't much to drain but they left a small tube inserted so that it'll continue to drain what it can.
After a few hours he had to be restarted on the Levo because his BP dropped. They also had to increase his oxygen to 70% (up from 50%).
It was a rough day.
Oy Vey
Just kidding! They weren't taking my dad OFF the sedation to wake him up and get him going. They simply give him a sedation vacation everyday to make sure he's not being over-sedated. And the doctors/nurses wake him up...NOT us. A little miscommunication apparently. No harm done though. No matter how hard anyone has tried to wake him - he's knocked out.
So this morning the doctors did what they do and 'rounded'. My mom, Amanda & I were in the room to hear what they had to say. I'm gonna skip the medical babble and break it down:
1. He has another infection but they're not sure where/what/why
2. They think/assume it's an absess in his lung or chest
3. He will be going for a CT scan to look for this absess
4. IF there is an absess AND they can get to it - they will drain it
5. He still hasn't woken up even though he's no longer sedated
6. His kidney are worse today
7. He will start dialysis tomorrow
8. He's in bad shape
Changes
I slept home last night...and it figures that the girls slept until almost 7:30 this morning. We all needed it - that's for sure. Hailey ended up in our bed - she wins. I talked to Joey @ 2:00 and then again at 3:30 this morning. He said they brought in a machine to feed my father. I guess I never thought about food this point. But that's cool.
When I got up this morning I checked in with Peter and then got a call from Amanda - they took my dad off his sedation and are going to try to wake him up today. This is a huge change from yesterday when they told us to leave him be and not try to get him to wake up. But now - they are waking him up even though he still has the breathing tube. They don't know what kind of condition he'll wake up in. And it will take some time for him to wake up due to how long he's been sedated.
It's scary because who knows what kind of condition he is going to be in. Will he know us? Will he know himself? Will he know what's going on? Will he have any brain damage? If so how much? Lots of questions...no answers. We'll keep everyone updated.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Ugh
I'm frustrated. Maybe it's because I'm tired...but frustrated none the same. I left the hospital today around 4:45 to go get the girls from Pete's parents. Then we went home, had dinner, had a tea party (yes...we had a tea party - the girls LOVE them) then it was time for bed. Hailey didn't go down easily. Right away she pointed to our room and said 'sleep in mama's room!' No...you're not sleeping in mama's bed. This sent her into a fit and she ended up throwing up all over the place (something she does on command). Lights on - clean the mess, change the kid and start all over again.
I left as Pete was going in to 'sleep' on the floor. I picked up a pizza and headed over to the hospital. Peter, Joey & Kristin were here playing Scrabble. I went in to see my dad...well not right away because they were doing an assessment on him so they asked me to wait 10 minutes.
The nurse came out when she was done. I go in, get my gown and gloves on and head on in the room. We'll have to wear the gowns and gloves for the rest of his stay here. I asked the nurse if the doctors ever made it in from earlier. They were rounding right before I left and the plan was for them to come in and let us know about the dialysis tomorrow. But they ended up having an emergency in the OR so they didn't make it to see us. Well they didn't make it at all tonight which is fine - we'll just get the update tomorrow morning. The nurse said there's no change in his status right now. He's in critical condition (hence being in Critical Care) but he's been stable. I don't expect this to make sense to anyone since it doesn't even make sense to me.
So his Blood Pressure is holding in the 120's/50's, his Heart Rate is holding in the 70/80's & his Oxygen is hovering in the low 90's (on 50% oxygen right now). These are good numbers and much better than when he 1st arrived here. These are good things.
He was on a medication called Levo when he 1st came because he couldn't keep his BP up. Even with this medication is BP was about 80/30. I tell you this because Levo is a medication that is a last resort thing and they only use it in dire situations. Here's the problem - Levo breaks down the body and skin. So part of the reason his kidney's aren't working is because of the Levo. Tonight - I noticed some sores under his bottom lip. I asked about it and they're due to the tubes rubbing against his skin there. They have changed it so the tubes don't touch his skin but the sores are there and I'm sure they don't feel good. Once I saw this I asked about bed sores. Yup...they noticed one this morning on his rear end. They started treatment on it. He has a sore because when they try to move him he's not able to handle being moved and all of his vitals go out of whack. So when it comes to oxygen vs skin - oxygen wins and they leave him alone. They try to move him every 4 hours and they move the bed every 2 hours. But really he's the one who decides if he's moved or not.
Oxygen exchange. When you breath in - you breath oxygen. When you breath out - you release Carbon Dioxide. This is called a gas exchange. Don't think I made this up on my own - I don't know enough...I got this info from Google. The goal for my dad's CO2 is 30 - 35%. He's @ 66% tonight. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I'm just simply frustrated.
I'm not staying the night tonight. I need to go home and sleep in my own bed. So before I leave I'll walk my butt into my dad's room and say goodbye. Forever. I'll say a forever goodbye because I don't know if he will be here when I come back. I'll cry. I'll beat myself up all the way home with 50 million reasons why I should have stayed and 51 million reasons why I should go home. I'm not sitting on a pity pot (as my Aunt Sharon would say) - I'm just stating facts.
Joey. Peter. Andy. Amanda. Me. Mom. All of us. We're tired, frustrated, angry, sad, desperate...and yet HOPE trumps it all. Someone asked Joey today how we're doing. His answer: 'We have each other.'
I left as Pete was going in to 'sleep' on the floor. I picked up a pizza and headed over to the hospital. Peter, Joey & Kristin were here playing Scrabble. I went in to see my dad...well not right away because they were doing an assessment on him so they asked me to wait 10 minutes.
The nurse came out when she was done. I go in, get my gown and gloves on and head on in the room. We'll have to wear the gowns and gloves for the rest of his stay here. I asked the nurse if the doctors ever made it in from earlier. They were rounding right before I left and the plan was for them to come in and let us know about the dialysis tomorrow. But they ended up having an emergency in the OR so they didn't make it to see us. Well they didn't make it at all tonight which is fine - we'll just get the update tomorrow morning. The nurse said there's no change in his status right now. He's in critical condition (hence being in Critical Care) but he's been stable. I don't expect this to make sense to anyone since it doesn't even make sense to me.
So his Blood Pressure is holding in the 120's/50's, his Heart Rate is holding in the 70/80's & his Oxygen is hovering in the low 90's (on 50% oxygen right now). These are good numbers and much better than when he 1st arrived here. These are good things.
He was on a medication called Levo when he 1st came because he couldn't keep his BP up. Even with this medication is BP was about 80/30. I tell you this because Levo is a medication that is a last resort thing and they only use it in dire situations. Here's the problem - Levo breaks down the body and skin. So part of the reason his kidney's aren't working is because of the Levo. Tonight - I noticed some sores under his bottom lip. I asked about it and they're due to the tubes rubbing against his skin there. They have changed it so the tubes don't touch his skin but the sores are there and I'm sure they don't feel good. Once I saw this I asked about bed sores. Yup...they noticed one this morning on his rear end. They started treatment on it. He has a sore because when they try to move him he's not able to handle being moved and all of his vitals go out of whack. So when it comes to oxygen vs skin - oxygen wins and they leave him alone. They try to move him every 4 hours and they move the bed every 2 hours. But really he's the one who decides if he's moved or not.
Oxygen exchange. When you breath in - you breath oxygen. When you breath out - you release Carbon Dioxide. This is called a gas exchange. Don't think I made this up on my own - I don't know enough...I got this info from Google. The goal for my dad's CO2 is 30 - 35%. He's @ 66% tonight. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I'm just simply frustrated.
I'm not staying the night tonight. I need to go home and sleep in my own bed. So before I leave I'll walk my butt into my dad's room and say goodbye. Forever. I'll say a forever goodbye because I don't know if he will be here when I come back. I'll cry. I'll beat myself up all the way home with 50 million reasons why I should have stayed and 51 million reasons why I should go home. I'm not sitting on a pity pot (as my Aunt Sharon would say) - I'm just stating facts.
Joey. Peter. Andy. Amanda. Me. Mom. All of us. We're tired, frustrated, angry, sad, desperate...and yet HOPE trumps it all. Someone asked Joey today how we're doing. His answer: 'We have each other.'
Lunch
Kristin and LB went to S&S and bought lunch meat, rolls, soda and drinks. We had lunch in the ICU waiting room as if we were home. It was nice.
The doctors came in this morning...I wasn't here (this is exactly why none of us leave...because we miss things!). The docs said that his kidney's aren't working and it's more likely than not that he'll start dialysis tomorrow. They also said we shouldn't be disturbing my dad. Don't wake him up, don't try to get him to squeeze your hands, do not disturb. I think I'll get a sign and put it on his bed. It's hard for us - but I can imagine that it's harder for him. But who knows. They also warned us that he could change for the worse at any given moment. Yes he's doing better now than he was doing yesterday but that doesn't mean he's still not very sick and in grave danger. Ugh...it's so hard. We're staying positive though.
Joey - this kid has himself on the operating table ready to donate a kidney to my dad right now. But don't worry - this kidney comes with restrictions...it's conditional. Sure sure sure...when you donate an organ it then technically becomes the rightful owner of who's body it's in. But it's different when you're family. You see - the kidney will mean that we have some say in what my dad does. We aren't going to let him smoke with this kidney. And he has to take his kidney for a walk everyday. He'll have to feed the kidney healthy - no more foods full of fat and salt. Ah yes...a kidney with restrictions. They'll be all good restrictions though so it won't be too hard to obey the rules of kidney donation.
Peter was suppose to go to work today. He left. Went home. Showered. Then texted me and said "Hey. I'm fighting with myself if I should call out of work or go in." Immediately followed by "I don't have a lot of days to use. But I feel like an asshole if I go in with dad being the way he is." Funny because I had texted him earlier today knowing that he was planning to go in to work. I had already known that he was going to feel this way and I had planned on letting him know that he can take FMLA. So we talked on the phone and I explained that in situations like this you can call HR and fill out some paperwork so that you can take some time off. Sure - he'll have to use his time that he has saved up - but he won't be calling out sick. He'll be out of work legitly and won't have to worry about it. So that's what he did. He called HR and his Sergeant and has the next 8 days off. He's back here with us now. ;-)
We can't save my dad. We don't have magical powers that heal. But we feel the need to be here for him and that's what we'll do. We can't be here 24/7 but we can make sure that someone is here. It's important to us that my dad isn't left alone. So we're here. It's the least we can do.
The doctors came in this morning...I wasn't here (this is exactly why none of us leave...because we miss things!). The docs said that his kidney's aren't working and it's more likely than not that he'll start dialysis tomorrow. They also said we shouldn't be disturbing my dad. Don't wake him up, don't try to get him to squeeze your hands, do not disturb. I think I'll get a sign and put it on his bed. It's hard for us - but I can imagine that it's harder for him. But who knows. They also warned us that he could change for the worse at any given moment. Yes he's doing better now than he was doing yesterday but that doesn't mean he's still not very sick and in grave danger. Ugh...it's so hard. We're staying positive though.
Joey - this kid has himself on the operating table ready to donate a kidney to my dad right now. But don't worry - this kidney comes with restrictions...it's conditional. Sure sure sure...when you donate an organ it then technically becomes the rightful owner of who's body it's in. But it's different when you're family. You see - the kidney will mean that we have some say in what my dad does. We aren't going to let him smoke with this kidney. And he has to take his kidney for a walk everyday. He'll have to feed the kidney healthy - no more foods full of fat and salt. Ah yes...a kidney with restrictions. They'll be all good restrictions though so it won't be too hard to obey the rules of kidney donation.
Peter was suppose to go to work today. He left. Went home. Showered. Then texted me and said "Hey. I'm fighting with myself if I should call out of work or go in." Immediately followed by "I don't have a lot of days to use. But I feel like an asshole if I go in with dad being the way he is." Funny because I had texted him earlier today knowing that he was planning to go in to work. I had already known that he was going to feel this way and I had planned on letting him know that he can take FMLA. So we talked on the phone and I explained that in situations like this you can call HR and fill out some paperwork so that you can take some time off. Sure - he'll have to use his time that he has saved up - but he won't be calling out sick. He'll be out of work legitly and won't have to worry about it. So that's what he did. He called HR and his Sergeant and has the next 8 days off. He's back here with us now. ;-)
We can't save my dad. We don't have magical powers that heal. But we feel the need to be here for him and that's what we'll do. We can't be here 24/7 but we can make sure that someone is here. It's important to us that my dad isn't left alone. So we're here. It's the least we can do.
Ups and Downs
Andy, Peter, Joey, Kristen & I all hung out at the hospital last night. We played a game of Scattegories and pretty much just verbally abused each other. Good times...just like old times. Andy left and the rest of us fell asleep on the couch (ok...I'm sure I was the 1st one to fall asleep but whatever...). It was about midnight and I had my alarm set for 5:00.
It's a roller coaster of emotions. From elation to despair in just seconds. I stayed at the hospital last night but got up at 5 so I could make it home before the girls woke up. I didn't want them waking up and not seeing me again. I went in to see my dad before leaving. I think the moments that I get to spend alone with him are hardest on me. I don't have anyone there to keep me composed and I lose all emotion. I see him and I wonder if he is in pain or if he knows what's going on or if he would even want to be like this. Is there something he's trying to say? Is there something he wants? More important...is there something he needs? None of these things can be answered and it's tough on all of us. I thought talking to a 2 y/o was rough...this takes the cake. At least I can play the guessing game with the girls. Not with my dad.
The nurse said that he needed some breathing treatment early this morning because is oxygen level dropped. But the good thing is that they didn't have to increase the amount of oxygen they're giving him. So for now - he's still @ 60%. From what they told Little Brother - someone with my dads condition usually comes in and is on 20 - 30% of oxygen. He was on 80% and that was at the worst when they said they wouldn't be able to give him much more without it becoming toxic and doing more harm than good. So we're glad it's down to 60% but at the same time...it's still not a good place to be.
They have to suction my dads stomach every now and then. When they do - they put a tube (that's already attached to him) down his throat and suck away. It only takes a second or two but when they do it - he tries to cough and his face gets all distorted...it's clear that it doesn't feel good. Even though he's sedated - he's aware of what's happening. The past 2 times they suctioned him - his whole body started to shake and almost looked like he was convulsing. But then his body calms down and he's back to his normal. The 1st time it happened last night - Little Brother and I were in there. It scared the shit out of me. But Little Brother kept his composure. Of course he did. He's holding strong right now.
Little Brother opens the curtains in the morning so my dad can have sunlight. He talks to my dad and he brings his own sunshine to the room. He walks around the room and just makes sure that everything is just right and not a thing is out of place. He's good like that.
Yesterday sucked big time in terms of family. My mom and I had a fight and it never feels good to argue with someone - never mind when you argue with someone under these circumstances. I think the stress is getting to us all. Hopefully today will be better. I need sleep. We all need sleep. But sleeping means less time with my dad and right now - we don't have time to spare.
It's a roller coaster of emotions. From elation to despair in just seconds. I stayed at the hospital last night but got up at 5 so I could make it home before the girls woke up. I didn't want them waking up and not seeing me again. I went in to see my dad before leaving. I think the moments that I get to spend alone with him are hardest on me. I don't have anyone there to keep me composed and I lose all emotion. I see him and I wonder if he is in pain or if he knows what's going on or if he would even want to be like this. Is there something he's trying to say? Is there something he wants? More important...is there something he needs? None of these things can be answered and it's tough on all of us. I thought talking to a 2 y/o was rough...this takes the cake. At least I can play the guessing game with the girls. Not with my dad.
The nurse said that he needed some breathing treatment early this morning because is oxygen level dropped. But the good thing is that they didn't have to increase the amount of oxygen they're giving him. So for now - he's still @ 60%. From what they told Little Brother - someone with my dads condition usually comes in and is on 20 - 30% of oxygen. He was on 80% and that was at the worst when they said they wouldn't be able to give him much more without it becoming toxic and doing more harm than good. So we're glad it's down to 60% but at the same time...it's still not a good place to be.
They have to suction my dads stomach every now and then. When they do - they put a tube (that's already attached to him) down his throat and suck away. It only takes a second or two but when they do it - he tries to cough and his face gets all distorted...it's clear that it doesn't feel good. Even though he's sedated - he's aware of what's happening. The past 2 times they suctioned him - his whole body started to shake and almost looked like he was convulsing. But then his body calms down and he's back to his normal. The 1st time it happened last night - Little Brother and I were in there. It scared the shit out of me. But Little Brother kept his composure. Of course he did. He's holding strong right now.
Little Brother opens the curtains in the morning so my dad can have sunlight. He talks to my dad and he brings his own sunshine to the room. He walks around the room and just makes sure that everything is just right and not a thing is out of place. He's good like that.
Yesterday sucked big time in terms of family. My mom and I had a fight and it never feels good to argue with someone - never mind when you argue with someone under these circumstances. I think the stress is getting to us all. Hopefully today will be better. I need sleep. We all need sleep. But sleeping means less time with my dad and right now - we don't have time to spare.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Kidney's still not working
But the specialist said it was in fact from the medications. So they are weening him off meds as they are able to and we'll have to wait and see.
I went with Pete to pick up the girls from his parents house. I was going to stay behind and sleep but I missed them so I went. They were in great moods tonight so it made for a really good night. After we had dinner we gave the girls a bath and then did the night time thing. Hailey started to fuss but I was prepared! I said 'Hailey...mommy has to take a shower. Don't fall asleep yet - wait until I'm done showering and then I'm going to come back in and sleep with you.' She was asleep before I even got in the shower. Sure...I feel bad for lying about this but will do what it takes to outsmart the kid as long as I can.
After they went to bed - I showered and then headed back to the hospital. The plan was not to sleep here. The plan failed. I'll be sleeping here. I brought Yahtzee and Scrabble. I even stopped and bought coffee for Little Brother and Peter. But I forgot LB's boxer shorts...the one thing he asked that I bring. Lol..sorry LB!
I'm so glad I came here when I did. My dad has been doing this 'raise the eyebrow' thing all day when someone talks to him. They don't want him awake so it was a clue that his medication needed to be changed and/or increased. But to see him react even just the slightest was amazing. What was more amazing was to see the face of my precious Little Brother light up. It brings a whole range of emotions to me. My 23 y/o brother shouldn't be excited that my dad moved his eyebrows because he said hello. But at the same time - my dad is alive and that alone is enough to make us all smile.
We're not anywhere close to being out of the woods. I know this. I just really pray that this isn't going to come crashing down in a heartbeat - which is quite possible. We are all trying to stay positive and keep our heads high. It's hard. I still cry when I say goodbye because I know that it's a very real possibility that it could be the last time I get to say goodbye.
I need sleep but I keep telling myself 'what if I go home tonight and he dies?' and then I reason it out by saying 'what's another night....when you don't know how many more you have.' Ugh...it's tearing me apart. Tears me apart to see my sister knowing how much of a daddy's girl she is. Tearing me apart to see my brothers who are always so strong be brought to their knees in the blink of an eye. Tearing me apart to look at my mother and know that she might soon be a widow. But when we're here - we're positive and we're joking and we're telling my dad he's fine and he's coming home tomorrow. Who knows when tomorrow will come though. And who knows if tomorrow will come.
Kidney's
My dad's kidney's aren't working at all. They originally thought it was from all the medications but now that he's off the medication - they know that's not the cause. They have called a kidney specialist to come and evaluate him. They are talking about dialysis. Time will tell.
I left work at noon and went to the hospital. Our unlce Ray was there as were Joey, Kristin & Peter. When I showed up they were doing a procedure on my dad to extract some of the fluid in his left lung. They were able to get 'something' (though I'm not sure what) but they've sent it for culture to see what it grows. I almost don't want to know....ew! He tolerated the procedure well.
My mom showed up and a little later - Amanda and Christina showed up. I called a friend and asked her to bring some food to the hospital for dinner tonight. I think we're all done with fast food and the cafeteria. My cousins brought down a full Easter dinner last night - that's what's on my family's menu tonight ;-) It was nice to know I didn't have to come home early to cook. Imagine the thought of having just 15 - 20 more minutes with someone you love? That's what a meal is offering us right now.
I left the hospital to come home and try to get some sleep - but instead took advantage of the girls not being here and got some house work done. I also came home to a fresh baked zucchini bread on my door step ;-) It will be shared with the many who are coming in/out to see my dad. Pete is going to bring the girls home tonight and although my plan was to sleep here I think I'm going to stay at the hospital and come home before the girls wake up. I need to see them in the morning! We'll see.
It's hard to answer 'How's your dad doing?' because really - the fact of the matter is that he's a live and for that we're happy. But beyond that...it's small baby steps and we don't really know how he's doing. We know that he made it through another night and we can hope and pray that he'll make it through another one tonight. We know that we are there for him and we love him. And we are there for each other.
Oh - did I mention we have to gown up and put gloves on when we go in his room because he has MRSA? Lol - we're going through a whole lot of gear! The medical staff have all been wonderful so far. They keep us very informed on everything that's going on and they are very tolerant of a rowdy/funny group of people.
I'm thinking of buying some temporary Yankee tattoos and putting them on my dads arm. If he wakes up - and he doesn't remember anything - I can tell him that it's always been there and he's a true Yankee fan. Not sure Joey will let me get away with it though.
I left work at noon and went to the hospital. Our unlce Ray was there as were Joey, Kristin & Peter. When I showed up they were doing a procedure on my dad to extract some of the fluid in his left lung. They were able to get 'something' (though I'm not sure what) but they've sent it for culture to see what it grows. I almost don't want to know....ew! He tolerated the procedure well.
My mom showed up and a little later - Amanda and Christina showed up. I called a friend and asked her to bring some food to the hospital for dinner tonight. I think we're all done with fast food and the cafeteria. My cousins brought down a full Easter dinner last night - that's what's on my family's menu tonight ;-) It was nice to know I didn't have to come home early to cook. Imagine the thought of having just 15 - 20 more minutes with someone you love? That's what a meal is offering us right now.
I left the hospital to come home and try to get some sleep - but instead took advantage of the girls not being here and got some house work done. I also came home to a fresh baked zucchini bread on my door step ;-) It will be shared with the many who are coming in/out to see my dad. Pete is going to bring the girls home tonight and although my plan was to sleep here I think I'm going to stay at the hospital and come home before the girls wake up. I need to see them in the morning! We'll see.
It's hard to answer 'How's your dad doing?' because really - the fact of the matter is that he's a live and for that we're happy. But beyond that...it's small baby steps and we don't really know how he's doing. We know that he made it through another night and we can hope and pray that he'll make it through another one tonight. We know that we are there for him and we love him. And we are there for each other.
Oh - did I mention we have to gown up and put gloves on when we go in his room because he has MRSA? Lol - we're going through a whole lot of gear! The medical staff have all been wonderful so far. They keep us very informed on everything that's going on and they are very tolerant of a rowdy/funny group of people.
I'm thinking of buying some temporary Yankee tattoos and putting them on my dads arm. If he wakes up - and he doesn't remember anything - I can tell him that it's always been there and he's a true Yankee fan. Not sure Joey will let me get away with it though.
LOL
I'm leaving work at noon and going back to the hospital. This morning when Peter, Joey & I went up to eat breakfast - Pete threw some keys in my bag and said 'don't take this bag when you leave.' I just got a call from Peter:
Peter: Hey - you know that bag I threw my keys in and said don't take?
Me: yeah
Peter: Where's the bag
Me: In my car
Sorry Peter! I'll be there soon!
Peter: Hey - you know that bag I threw my keys in and said don't take?
Me: yeah
Peter: Where's the bag
Me: In my car
Sorry Peter! I'll be there soon!
Good News
Little Brother was talking to my dad and he moved his forehead. Doc said that's because he can probably hear Little Brother. We'll take the small things for now ;-)
Monday morning
Lol...I forgot to put a post up for the girls blog - we have tons of pics from this weekend. I'll work on that at some point I swear!
It's Monday morning and my dad has made it through yet another night. I just came out from seeing him and he looks good. Sure there are machines and tubes and beeps (and did I mention it just brings back soooo many memories of the one place we swore we left behind forever? The NICU). His night nurse is a male and his name is Jude. He's been awesome since my dad got here Friday night. He's the kind of nurse anyone would want in a situation like this. If I thought I could multitask - this guy can really do it all. I'd put any amount of $ on the fact that he could handle the trio without incident!!!! LOL We'll just keep him here though and let him take care of my dad.
I'm torn - I need to go to work but I don't want to leave. Every time I leave my dad's side I have to say goodbye all over again. And it's a forever goodbye because I'm not sure he's going to be there when I get back from wherever I go. It hurts. My heart is broken like never before.
When I pray for my dad's life I feel as though I'm being selfish. I want him to live for us. But I'm not sure he would want to live for himself in this situation. That doesn't stop me from wishing him better. People in these situations tell loved one's it's ok to leave them. Not me. I tell him he better come home.
Peter and I made a pact last night that if my dad wakes up and doesn't remember anything or doesn't know any better - we're going to tell him he loves the Yankees. We're gonna buy him a bunch of Yankees gear and say it was his before all this happened. ;-)
Best I can do is keep moving forward. It's the best any of us can do. Joey and Peter are still sleeping on the couch. I'll get a picture of our ICU camp out soon. It's actually pretty cozy. Not because of the accommodations but because of the bond between us.
It's Monday morning and my dad has made it through yet another night. I just came out from seeing him and he looks good. Sure there are machines and tubes and beeps (and did I mention it just brings back soooo many memories of the one place we swore we left behind forever? The NICU). His night nurse is a male and his name is Jude. He's been awesome since my dad got here Friday night. He's the kind of nurse anyone would want in a situation like this. If I thought I could multitask - this guy can really do it all. I'd put any amount of $ on the fact that he could handle the trio without incident!!!! LOL We'll just keep him here though and let him take care of my dad.
I'm torn - I need to go to work but I don't want to leave. Every time I leave my dad's side I have to say goodbye all over again. And it's a forever goodbye because I'm not sure he's going to be there when I get back from wherever I go. It hurts. My heart is broken like never before.
When I pray for my dad's life I feel as though I'm being selfish. I want him to live for us. But I'm not sure he would want to live for himself in this situation. That doesn't stop me from wishing him better. People in these situations tell loved one's it's ok to leave them. Not me. I tell him he better come home.
Peter and I made a pact last night that if my dad wakes up and doesn't remember anything or doesn't know any better - we're going to tell him he loves the Yankees. We're gonna buy him a bunch of Yankees gear and say it was his before all this happened. ;-)
Best I can do is keep moving forward. It's the best any of us can do. Joey and Peter are still sleeping on the couch. I'll get a picture of our ICU camp out soon. It's actually pretty cozy. Not because of the accommodations but because of the bond between us.
The meeting
You know how you see on TV when the doctor calls the family into a room to 'talk' about what's to come? That's what meeting we were having. Nothing you ever expect to have to live through. You don't think these things will/can happen to you. They only happen to other people or on TV. But not in real life. Not in our life. Not in my life. Until now.
In the room are: Mom, Peter, Amanda, Joey, Andy, Ray, Linda, Rebecca, myself and the doctor. Kristen was here but she offered to watch Christina in the waiting room.
The doctor starts by saying that my dad is very sick. He went a very long time without oxygen on Friday night and then had very low oxygen levels throughout the day on Saturday. If he were to pull through this - he won't be the same person that he was before. But they can't say anything definitive because they just don't know. She continues to say that there are decisions that should be made. If his heart were to stop again - would we want them to do CPR? She said that if his heart were to stop it wouldn't be because his heart is weak. His heart is actually strong but it's the rest of his body that is not well. We could restart his heart but that doesn't mean the rest of him would get better - we would just be prolonging the inevitable.
Wow. A lot to take in at this point. She also said that if he were to get through the next day or two and was still as unstable as he is - there would be more considerations to talk about. But at this point - we needed to wait and see.
My mom left the decision up to us...5 kids who would take his place at any moment in time. How are we suppose to come up with these kinds of decisions? I know we're all adults but NO ONE should have to go through this. Some questions were asked to the doctor - one of which was 'What would YOU do if this were your family member?' and her answer was simple: I'd let him go if his heart were to stop but I would continue doing everything else possible until/if that were to happen.
Our decision was not to restart his heart if his heart were to stop again. It's a simple statement but holds the weight of the world on our shoulders.
In the room are: Mom, Peter, Amanda, Joey, Andy, Ray, Linda, Rebecca, myself and the doctor. Kristen was here but she offered to watch Christina in the waiting room.
The doctor starts by saying that my dad is very sick. He went a very long time without oxygen on Friday night and then had very low oxygen levels throughout the day on Saturday. If he were to pull through this - he won't be the same person that he was before. But they can't say anything definitive because they just don't know. She continues to say that there are decisions that should be made. If his heart were to stop again - would we want them to do CPR? She said that if his heart were to stop it wouldn't be because his heart is weak. His heart is actually strong but it's the rest of his body that is not well. We could restart his heart but that doesn't mean the rest of him would get better - we would just be prolonging the inevitable.
Wow. A lot to take in at this point. She also said that if he were to get through the next day or two and was still as unstable as he is - there would be more considerations to talk about. But at this point - we needed to wait and see.
My mom left the decision up to us...5 kids who would take his place at any moment in time. How are we suppose to come up with these kinds of decisions? I know we're all adults but NO ONE should have to go through this. Some questions were asked to the doctor - one of which was 'What would YOU do if this were your family member?' and her answer was simple: I'd let him go if his heart were to stop but I would continue doing everything else possible until/if that were to happen.
Our decision was not to restart his heart if his heart were to stop again. It's a simple statement but holds the weight of the world on our shoulders.
Guess I have time
It's 1:15 in the morning. Joey is in with dad, Pete is sleeping on the couch and I'm sitting here wondering why I can't sleep. Probably the coffee. I should pay more attention to what time I start/stop drinking coffee.
Friday night my dad said he wasn't feeling well. Nothing new...he's never feeling well these days. He had a fever for a couple of days but no other symptoms. At 9:00 he told my sister that he needed to go to the emergency room. It was when he was in the ambulance and on his way to the hospital that he had a heart attack.
They told my mom to get the family together and that we shouldn't expect him to make it through the night. He went 10 - 15 minutes without oxygen and they didn't stabilize him until 3:00 in the morning. He has a bad pneumonia in his left lung and he already has lung problems. They have trouble keeping his blood pressure and oxygen levels up and trouble keeping his heart rate down. The medications he's on for his blood pressure are making his heart rate increase and the oxygen is at 70% and climbing.
Saturday morning and throughout the day he's unstable. I spent the day with the girls and didn't get back to the hospital until about 7:00 last night. As soon as I walked in to see my dad - the doctor came in and asked if my mom was here. She wasn't. The doctor said to call her - we needed to have a family meeting and everyone needed to be here. Amanda, Peter, Joey and I were looking at each other and basically saying 'who's gonna make the call'. I chose to call Andy and tell him - he was home with mom.
They show up about 10 minutes later and we waited for our Uncle Ray to show up (my dad's brother). He showed up with his wife Linda and daughter Rebecca. Time for a meeting.
Friday night my dad said he wasn't feeling well. Nothing new...he's never feeling well these days. He had a fever for a couple of days but no other symptoms. At 9:00 he told my sister that he needed to go to the emergency room. It was when he was in the ambulance and on his way to the hospital that he had a heart attack.
They told my mom to get the family together and that we shouldn't expect him to make it through the night. He went 10 - 15 minutes without oxygen and they didn't stabilize him until 3:00 in the morning. He has a bad pneumonia in his left lung and he already has lung problems. They have trouble keeping his blood pressure and oxygen levels up and trouble keeping his heart rate down. The medications he's on for his blood pressure are making his heart rate increase and the oxygen is at 70% and climbing.
Saturday morning and throughout the day he's unstable. I spent the day with the girls and didn't get back to the hospital until about 7:00 last night. As soon as I walked in to see my dad - the doctor came in and asked if my mom was here. She wasn't. The doctor said to call her - we needed to have a family meeting and everyone needed to be here. Amanda, Peter, Joey and I were looking at each other and basically saying 'who's gonna make the call'. I chose to call Andy and tell him - he was home with mom.
They show up about 10 minutes later and we waited for our Uncle Ray to show up (my dad's brother). He showed up with his wife Linda and daughter Rebecca. Time for a meeting.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Day???
Ugh...what a weekend. Not posting details tonight but I'm blogging from the ICU. My dad had a heart attack Friday night - the family was told he wouldn't make it through the night. But he did. And then we were told he wouldn't make it through last night. But he did. We have hope and we have each other right now. Will post more as time allows.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Day 187
The girls were home with me today, daddy. We played in the morning, got dressed and had breakfast. We had snack outside and then for lunch we drove to mommy's work. We picked her and Kim up, drove to the park where we met Christina and Auntie Manda. McDonald's for lunch was a must for fun Friday. After we got home I tried getting the girls involved in a game but they were to tired. I was suppose to see how the girls do without a nap today but Hailey laid on the living room floor sucking her thumb and Emily went in their play house and laid down. So, I put them in their beds and they slept for an hour and a half. When they woke up Auntie Manda and Christina were here. The girls were a bit cranky but we all had snack and played. After they left we waited outside for mommy to come home from work. Some sidewalk chalk and it was fun fun fun. Uncle Joey came home before mommy he helped us go for a walk and got the girls some juice to drink. When mommy came home she took the girls for a walk while I cooked hamburgers on the grill and raviolis for the girls. After dinner it was bath, brush teeth, read books, and bed time. The girls went down without a fight tonight. Hopefully they don't wake up in the middle of the night.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Day 186
Pete's still sitting in the girls room trying to get Hailey to sleep. It's been over an hour again. She's sleepy...but keeps waking up when he tries to leave. Last night I said 'mommy has to pee on the potty...I'll be right back' and left. She fell asleep. We're going to work on a new plan this weekend because the current one isn't working at all and I'm not sitting in their room every night until they fall asleep. Maybe it's time to give up naps. ;-)
Today was a good day. The girls slept all night last night - yippie! Then they went to Pete's parents while Pete and I worked. When the girls and I got home - we let Pete cook out on the grill while we went for a walk. We (ummm...the girls) like to walk around the building again and again and again and...you get the picture. They say 'c'mon mama' as they turn to me and gesture for me to come. Or they say 'mo walk, mo walk'. They CAN say more. There's a lot that they CAN say. But for some reason they DON'T. ie: they can say 'GO' yet when they say 'going' it comes out 'OIN'. Instead of 'time out' they say 'IME OUT' (yes - the T at the end but not the beginning). No worries...I have a speech therapist on speed dial.
After we walked - we came in and had dinner then a tea party and then time for bed.
Now time for more work on the computer.
Today was a good day. The girls slept all night last night - yippie! Then they went to Pete's parents while Pete and I worked. When the girls and I got home - we let Pete cook out on the grill while we went for a walk. We (ummm...the girls) like to walk around the building again and again and again and...you get the picture. They say 'c'mon mama' as they turn to me and gesture for me to come. Or they say 'mo walk, mo walk'. They CAN say more. There's a lot that they CAN say. But for some reason they DON'T. ie: they can say 'GO' yet when they say 'going' it comes out 'OIN'. Instead of 'time out' they say 'IME OUT' (yes - the T at the end but not the beginning). No worries...I have a speech therapist on speed dial.
After we walked - we came in and had dinner then a tea party and then time for bed.
Now time for more work on the computer.
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